Bill O'Connor

We apologize for any inconvenience


By Bill O’Connor –

North Carolina §14- 415.11(c)

It is a violation to be armed – On any private premises where notice that carrying a concealed handgun is prohibited by the posting of a conspicuous notice or statement by the person in legal possession or control of the premises

Welcome to the Screwtape and Wormwood Emporium. In order that your visit may be as pleasant and safe and as possible we have a few simple rules for your protection. On these premises the first amendment is slightly modified. Outward signs of religion, i.e. headscarves, burkas, abats, yarmulkes, fezzes, crescents, stars of David, crucifixes, Buddhas, and copies of the Bible, Koran, Bhagavad Gita, or Analects will be confiscated and donated to the State Representatives Relief Fund. On Ash Wednesday foreheads will be wiped clean. Nothing to appear in any media may be produced; no more than two people may browse together, however you may say anything you wish so long as you don’t raise your voice. We interpret the second amendment such that any weapon of any sort including but not limited to handguns, rifles, mortars, brass knuckles, throwing stars, baseball bats, blackjacks, nunchaku, blades of any size above ¼ inch; pens, pencils, nail files, finger or toenail clippers, and any other item of wood or metal weighing more than ¾ ounce will be confiscated and donated to the State Representatives Relief Fund.

Our position on the third amendment is evolving. As to the fourth, any purses, packages, or pockets may be searched at any time and any number of times during your visit to Friendly Screwtapes. No warrant shall be required if we determine that you are to be detained for suspicion. The fifth is a bottle of whiskey and not available to detainees; at Screwtapes you must answer any question put to you by any of our courteous staff. You may be detained until you answer or until all suspicion has been lifted. The detention charge is just $97.98 per day plus food, but if you have a Screw Card®, food is free! All credit and debit cards and PIN numbers will be held during detention.

We have limited space and food available to detainees, but will endeavor to provide low salt or low sugar snacks when possible. Look upon the lack of space as a friend-making opportunity, but you may talk to only one at a time. Whenever you wish food or water, ask one of the friendly detention attendants to press the refreshment service button outside of the detention area, but not more than twice a day. If you feel the need for emotional counsel, ask one of the friendly detention attendants to press the counseling service button outside of the detention area. If you would like to talk to a lawyer, we are sorry, there is no lawyer button; you might reconsider your answers to, or refusal to answer our questions. If you are still detained when all credit cards are refused, and/or debit cards rendered empty, you will be transferred to Alternate Disposition.

During your detention, of course, the thirteenth amendment shall not apply. We trust you understand that these rules are a small price to pay to insure your safety and security and that of any women or children you may know, which we absolutely guarantee with the full faith and credit of Screwtape and Wormwood.

L. Screwtape

Security provided by: Cerberus Security,

Purveyors of security to Their Honors, Screwtape and Wormwood.

If you would like to learn more about Cerberus or any of our three divisions, see our website,

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